she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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