He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
