I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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