Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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