I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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