Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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