I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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