Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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