and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
