Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
