the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
where are my eyebrows?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
