My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
