I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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