our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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