We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Let's get the cat blown out
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
