Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
