Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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