what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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