Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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