I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
