I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I believe in your delicious
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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