Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
The best revenge is premature balding
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
