There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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