I wish I could punch you in the face.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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