I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
