Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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