Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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