If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
