mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
