Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
