I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
