I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
