How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
