Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
whose parrot is this?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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