Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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