You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
