i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
