boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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