I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
my shit smells like andre
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
