i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
