Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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