To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
