Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
