The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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