can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Randomize
