I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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