we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I didn't notice because vodka
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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