Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
