I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I looked at my own cervix.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
