Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
