When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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