Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
