i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
