My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
