My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
