Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
