he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
