I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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