Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
it's great music for shaving your balls
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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